Forever and Always
by Matilda384
Summary: Some letters/journal entries from Gill to his mother after her death. They are recorded chronologically by age, documenting his understanding and acceptance of life after loss. Rated T for darkness. It's a lot better than it sounds.
1. Spring 24, Age 8

Forever and Always

Spring 24, Age 8

Dear Mommy:

Hi mommy! It's Gill. I miss you so much! I think Papa misses you a lot too. I can't believe it's been a week since we put your body in the ground near the church. I hope you're comfy down there. We get lots and lots of visitors to the house. They all bring us stuff. But Papa doesn't answer the door. He stays in his room all day. So I go greet the people. Miss Yolanda brings me breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day and sometimes throws a few snacks in the basket. Mrs. Barbara and Mr. Simon (you remember them, right?) brought over a lot of really nice framed pictures of you and our family. You look so pretty in all of them! I put them all up on the mantle (with a little help from Mr. Dale because I can't reach yet) and I just want to look at them all the time. But then I get sad. Because I miss you. The people are all very sad too. They cry sometimes when they talk to me. I don't like it when they do that, Mommy, because it makes me sad too!

After Miss Shelley asked if she could do my laundry and took some of my clothes to wash, Luke came over. He asked if I wanted to go play outside again. I told him I didn't feel like it when really deep down I just wanted to be by myself. He got mad at me and said that I was getting boring! He told me that I stay inside all day like a crybaby! So I pushed him down and I kicked him. Mr. Jake saw us from a distance and came running over. I started crying because of how mad at Luke I was and because I was scared I was gonna get in trouble. But Mr. Jake didn't yell at me. He told Luke to be very nice to me. He said that if I didn't want to play outside for a little while, that was ok. Then he made Luke apologize for calling me a baby and making me cry. I said I was sorry for pushing him down and kicking him. We hugged and now we're ok.

I don't see Papa at all. Sometimes when it's late at night and all the people stop coming to the house (Mrs. Ruth helps me get ready for bed and tucks me in at 8:00), I sneak into Papa's room to say goodnight to him. But I never can. He's always sitting on the bed facing the window with his back to me. He holds your fancy ring and cries really loud. So I just leave and get back in bed.

Ok this is a secret, but sometimes when I'm all by myself, I cry really really hard. But I do it very quietly so no one will know. I wanna look strong and brave. But I miss you so much, Mommy. The little Harvest Fairies are the only ones that see me cry so hard. If there was any way I could make you come back, I would. I hope you feel a lot better in Heaven than you did here on earth. I love you forever and always.

Your baby,

Gill


	2. Autumn 18, Age 11

Autumn 18, Age 11

Dear Mom,

Hey, Mom! I still miss you so much. I went back to school for the first time in a while today. Well, actually the other kids have been back way longer than I have. Papa told me that I could go when I was ready. For a couple years I just studied at home. I thought I was ready to go back, but as soon as I walked into the classroom I felt really depressed. Mrs. Mira's my teacher now. She really knows what we're learning about, but I just miss _you_ being the teacher. When I walked in this morning, all the other kids turned around to look at me when I opened the door. They all started clapping. I guess they missed me all that time…

I think Papa might be cheering up a little. Very gradually, but at least it's better than the really sad state he's been in for what feels like forever. He promised me that when we're both healed and ready, we'd light the fire in the fireplace. No, it hasn't been lit since you died. Can I tell you a secret? I took your wedding ring and I hid it up there in the chimney because I got tired of Papa clinging to it and crying all the time. You've gotta understand why I did it though. The villagers stopped taking care of me a long time ago. I persuaded them that I was fine, thinking that Papa would pull himself together. But he didn't. I learned to cook for myself, tuck myself in, clean, sweep the town streets, and wash my own clothes all by myself. I thought once he could start being normal he'd be my Papa again.

I still miss you a lot. You always made the best tomato stew ever. My handmade sweaters hugged me right and kept me warm in the cold seasons. My stuffed rabbit doesn't give my face kisses at bedtime like you used to make him do. I hardly pay attention in school now because I'm constantly focused on trying not to burst into tears in front of everybody. Mom, you have no idea how much I want you back! I love you forever and always!

Your baby,

Gill


	3. Winter 26, Age 13

Winter 26, Age 13

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much that it hurts. It stabs me every single day the second I wake up, and the sore stays open and bleeding constantly until I go to bed, and I can't sleep at night. Oh, Mom. I think I'm depressed. Everything feels so cold and empty to me. I want something to save me, but nothing can! I don't feel happy at any minute of my life.

Father tells me that it's been long enough for me to feel sad. He says that almost six years is too much time passed to keep dwelling on it. I don't understand how he can say that. Just a few years back he was constantly sobbing, screaming that he'd lost everything, resenting me for being so much like you. How can he just pick up now and feel like everything's normal?

I've given a lot of thought to joining you up in Heaven. It would just be better; for me, for Father, for you. I haven't tried it yet, but it constantly sits there in the back of my mind and taunts me. It tells me that I'll feel a lot better. My burdens will be lifted. I'm so scared of these thoughts, Mom! What if it actually starts making me do things to myself and I end up dead?! I'm so sad it's unbearable. I even stopped seeing the Harvest Sprites a while ago! They told me to be strong and that they were going to go help the Harvest Goddess for a little bit. They said I'll be able to see them for the rest of my life, but they're just going to leave my side for a little bit. I'm so confused! I feel like everything I have is wasting away!

I started talking to Perry-this new young priest that came to live here on Castanet. He's studying to be an actual priest, so it's kinda like now he's just a minister. But he always promises me that he won't tell anyone anything that I say; it's between me, him, and Heaven. To me, he just feels like an older brother; he's only nineteen. I sit beside him in a pew of the Celesta Church and I tell him everything I'm thinking-even the suicide. I tell him how much I miss you, and how hard it is for me to go about my daily life. When I asked him why these feelings never got better and strengthen over all this time, he said, "It's because as soon as your mother died, you subconsciously busied yourself immediately-and at a young age. You grew up fast having to take care of yourself. Now that your father is able to move on because things are getting normal, you find yourself not having to cook and clean and care for yourself as much. You basically have more time now to sit back and realize the emptiness that surrounds you. The empty feeling has always been present; you just now have _time_ to pay attention to the void in your heart." Before I leave, we always kneel before the altar and pray together, silently. He gives me a hug and then sends me home.

Talking to Perry makes me feel a little better. Sometimes I go to him twice a week, other times it's four or five in emergency. He always listens though. He says that at night, he says a special prayer for you. Do you hear him up there? Can you hear all of mine? I was just wondering. I miss you so much. Nobody has really any idea how terrible I'm feeling. I just want you back to snuggle me in the rocking chair and wrap me up in a blanket in front of the warm, glowing fire and rock me until I drift asleep. I'm cold without you. I love your forever and always.

Your baby,

Gill


	4. Summer 11, Age 15

Summer 11, Age 15

Dear Mom,

I've met a really interesting new friend. His name's Chase. He's just a little bit younger than I am; only by a year. I met him when I was going to the Celesta Church Cemetery to put new begonias on your grave. I was walking up the steps to the Church, and I saw a little redheaded boy sitting on one of the benches. He was all drawn up into himself and had his head on his knees, looking out towards the water. I greeted him and he looked at me really sadly. He didn't speak. I told him that I was Gill, that I hadn't seen him around before. He nodded and really quietly said, "I'm Chase." I sat down near him. He glanced over at the flowers that were in my hand. "D-Do you have a girlfriend?" he asked in astonishment. I shook my head and laughed a little. I told him that I was going to put these on your grave. He perked up a little. "You don't have a mom?" I told him that I no longer did. He asked if I had a father. I told him yes, and that he was the Mayor of this town. He seemed surprised. But when I asked him why he had those questions, he just shook his head. But I just wanted to know more. When I kept inquiring, he snapped on me. "I don't have any parents, ok?!" he yelled. I was a little taken aback. I didn't like him shouting at me. I stayed quiet, thinking everything over. Suddenly he started sniffling. He whimpered out that he was sorry for being so rude. I couldn't believe that he was actually _crying_ right before me. I told him that it was alright, and asked what happened. He said that not too long ago, his family was killed in an accident. He was living in an orphanage somewhere else, and they let him spend summers in different homes to give him a temporary "family". He said he was living with Jake and Colleen at the Ocarina Inn; with Yolanda and Maya too. I couldn't believe it. I was sad already knowing that I'd lost you, but he lost literally _everything_ he had.

I put an arm around him and asked him if he'd like to come pray with me in the Church. I told him we'd pray for everyone that we'd lost together. He seemed to like that idea. We went inside and knelt down before the altar together. I started off by asking aloud for your protection and happiness up in Heaven, and that you'd always think about me. But he said that he just wanted to stay in one place for longer than a few months at a time; and that he especially didn't want to go back to that orphanage. I felt really bad for him.

We then went to the Cemetery. I gave him some of the flowers that I had in the begonia bouquet for you. He watched me place the flowers on your tombstone and give it a hug. When I asked him where he wanted to put his flowers, he wordlessly turned around and threw them down into the ocean. I think I know how they must've died…

We went back to the Ocarina Inn where Colleen let us have some ice cream. She was really good with Chase-she was very loving and gently towards him, and he seemed to like it. Over our ice cream, we started to bond a little. He told me that the headmaster of his orphanage sent him to Castanet because of how much he'd liked to cook back there, and that maybe Yolanda and her family could strengthen his skills. He said that if he likes it enough here, he can come back every summer. I hope he does.

We've been spending a lot of time together for the past eleven days. I think it's because we kinda understand each other's feelings without having to voice them aloud. We go to the Church every Sunday together and pray on our own when nobody else is there. We take flowers from Father's garden and each put them in our special places.

Mom, if Chase's family is up there, can you tell them that he's doing ok? He said he's been really upset since their death, but today he told me that he was feeling much better about things. I think they'd like to know that. I hope you like your begonias. I know they were your favorite flower, and it feels like I'm putting a little bit of life onto your grave. I'm feeling a little lifted now that I have someone that knows exactly what I'm going through and he's doing the same and at my age too. I love you, Mom. And of course I still miss you. But thanks for leading a new friend into my life. I have a feeling it was your angelic doings. I love you forever and always.

Your baby,

Gill


	5. Spring 3, Age 19

Spring 3, Age 19

Dear Mother,

Mother, I still miss you very much. I feel like something's happening on this island nowadays, and it's not for the better. Everything about nature seems…weaker. I wonder if it's just my imagination sometimes, but I heard Phoebe complaining to Candace on the street yesterday that she doesn't have enough light in the caves to go exploring anymore. I know it's something. I just hate to see the island degenerate so quickly-it reminds me too much of your final condition on Earth. Of course Father doesn't notice the change. He just always flits about being cheerful to everyone…"moving forward" as he calls it. Secretly, he drives me insane.

Father's got this thing that he does that really bothers me. He's trying to make me into a picture-perfect Mayor. He says that someday I will be Mayor, and prepping early will only make me greater. I always must have straight posture, or else he'll come around me and adjusted my shoulders or back. I must keep a determined face, or else everyone will think I'm a pushover. I must not complain about anything…even when I have to sample "Maya's Surprise" every Thursday night at the Ocarina Inn. I must always, _always_ keep accurate record of everybody in the town's likes, dislikes, personal tastes, birthdays, occupations, and residences-all from memory. No drinking-not even one sip of a cocktail _ever_. No staying up late unless working on important civil documents. Keep an eye out for areas that need improvement. Mind your manners. Speak formally. Respect all. Mother, I know I'm supposed to grow up now that I'm nineteen, but I don't want to grow up like _this_!

Remember Mrs. Mira, our teacher that took over when we were all still in school? Well, sad news was brought across the island the other day. Her husband died. I wish it wasn't so, because I understand how hard that is to live with. She's a wreck. She doesn't leave her house, she cries all the time; she even had to remove herself from the funeral because she couldn't stop bawling. I sent her some money to help cover the expenses she'd be expected to pay in the future, and I knew she couldn't come up with the money by herself and in her current condition. When Father found out, he was furious. He told me that that money was a part of a large savings he'd been storing to improve the old watermill. I stood up to him though. I reminded him of his condition when you died, and how he'd resented me and said that he'd lost everything he loved…with me standing right there in front of him. He shut his mouth after that.

Jin went away to medical school a few weeks ago. We had a little celebration for him. After all, he _is_ going to be a doctor, and that's quite an achievement. He said he'll come back here once he's finished so Irene can train him more. I think that's good. He chose what he wanted to do, worked hard to achieve it (he and I were competing for highest grades of the class the last year of school), and got to leave to go pursue his dream. It sounds so wonderful. But while he gets to go out into the real world and explore everything there is for him, I sit behind the glass window that Father has created for me; locked in with no way out but just to stare at what other possibilities could've been out there for me.

But I'm not complaining. I'd like to be Mayor someday, just not the kind that Father wants me to be. I remember when I was six years old, and I asked you if someday I could be an "explorer of the unexplored", and you told that I could be whatever I wanted in life, as long as I stayed Gill. That made me so happy. Now I just sort of live to be what is expected. But that's alright. Maybe I'm just thinking like a rebellious teenager. Like Luke.

I'm still friends with Chase, but we're not as close as we used to be. He lives here permanently now. Once he turned eighteen back at the orphanage, he couldn't be under their care anymore as an adult. So they told him to find a place to live. I can't believe he actually came back here. He's studying under Yolanda now, and I must say he is a very good cook. Yolanda's always hollering at him to try harder, work faster, do better, but he really enjoys what he does. Luke and I have drifted apart over the years. He got way too…fiery, if you will. Let's just say that while Jin and I were sitting on pins and needles every time our exam scores were being passed back, Luke was sitting in the back of the room celebrating that he got a D. Yes, sometimes it would come down to the very tenth of a percent on an exam between Jin and I. We'd get so competitive. It makes me laugh a little now, because where did that get me?

Oh I forgot to tell you, Mother! Something big has changed in my life, and this time it's something good. I'm seeing somebody. Like actually dating her. Of course, it doesn't seem like it sometimes; we often argue…but that's kind of who she is, and I like it. Her name's Luna-she's the granddaughter of Shelley and sister of Candace. She's my age, but she's so _tiny_. What really sparked our relationship was the day she came into the town hall and greeted me as "the Mayor's kid". I told her that I wasn't a child, and that she could pass for one much easier than I could. She got _furious_! Then, something about her glowed as she reprimanded me. I didn't hear a word of it. I was too busy staring at the way her cheeks brightened red as she spoke her argument, how her eyes flashed sparkles in their pretty blue, how her hair bounced just perfectly every time she tossed her head. Then of course I remembered that she was angry at me, so I became a little angry too (just to hide a smile).

The only reason I believe Father lets me continue seeing her is because of how I describe her. I mean, please don't think that I'm lying to him because I certainly am not, but sometimes it's hard for other people to see Luna like I do. She comes off as arrogant, shrewd, and (even though I'm not supposed to say it around her) childish. But if you just talk to her, speak to her in business terms, she'll immediately understand you. Oh, she's so smart! She really is going to turn that financially dilapidated clothing store into a booming business. She's even talked about her plans with me. We've only been dating for a while, and I don't know how much she actually loves me, but…oh, Mother…I think I'm just infatuated! While she's my girlfriend and I do secretly love her already, I love _you_ forever and always.

Your son,

Gill


	6. Winter 2, Age 19 (20th birthday)

Winter 2, Age 19/20

Dear Mother,

Oh Mother, I can't believe that I turn twenty tonight! I'm counting down the minutes until the moment I was born. I'm thinking deeply about you, Mother. Without you, I wouldn't even be here.

I keep reflecting upon my life and its various stages. Looking back, I realize that I was weak. I don't know why I was. But now I think I've become stronger. I see now that I can't rely on others for help, because all the people living on this island will soon be relying on me! The instructions Father has been giving me for becoming a mayor have by no means gotten easier. It's hard work to follow everything that he says exactly, or be scolded when there may be other spectators around. It makes me angry at him for doing that, but also embarrassed towards them. I always try to keep my head up, though, and remind people that I do not make the same mistake twice.

I clearly remember the last birthday of mine that you were alive for. I came home from my birthday party with the other kids at the Ocarina Inn and I saw you setting the table. You'd made me a lobster of my own, because I had always wanted to try one (but Father promised that once I got older I could). You'd made another for you and Father to share, because of how weak you were and how restricted your diet was at that point. As soon as I saw you standing up, I ran to you and wrapped my arms around your legs. I told you that you should be resting, not moving about so much. You laughed and kissed the top of my head. It was a special day, you reminded me. Father came home and we began to eat. Of course, maybe I was still a little too young to eat a lobster, because after cracking and getting the meat out of just one claw, I was more interested in playing with the shells. Father got the rest of the meat out for me and put it on my plate. Even though he gently reminded me not to play with my food, you told me that it was alright that day and especially because lobsters were "very fun to play with". Once we were finished with dinner, you brought out a small cake that read in your handwriting "Happy 8th Birthday, Gill". I remember how enthralled I was upon seeing it. We all had a piece and opened presents in the process. I still remember them. Father got me a small pearl, since back then I was pretty fascinated with the sea. I treasured his gift, and I actually still have it today. You gave me this very journal. You told me to write down whatever I wanted inside, because it was very healthy to write things down so that I could remember them later. I'm still using that journal, Mother. After your death I found very good use for it; writing letters to you. It made me feel better, and like I was still close to you. I want to thank you even still.

Father and I had a kind of "birthday breakfast" this morning, because he said he wasn't sure he'd be home early enough for dinner tonight or not. I was grateful for it. He's been very busy now because the island is really pickign up. A new farmer named Kasey moved in and is ringing the bells to bring life back into nature. I can see the little Harvest Fairy (Finn is his name, I do believe) that follows him around. No one else can. But I feel like I have Kasey to thank for the changes around the island. Everything is so vibrant, strong, and healthy again. It's refreshing to see that kind of growth.

Luna and I spent the day together. We first went for a walk on the beach, then I brought her back home and made her some lunch, and then we helped each other with business plans and such in my room. At the end of the night, we went to the Brass Bar to have dinner. We went back home afterwards and sat by the fireplace. I lit it. Father and I had lit it once before together, but tonight I wanted it to be for just Luna and I. As we stared at the orange glow, I held her in my arms. I felt so happy. After a while she said she had something for me. I begged her not to, but she laughed and told me that since I had gotten her something on her birthday, it was only fair to return the favor. She told me to close my eyes. I did, and felt her press a small box into my hands. When I opened my eyes again, she told me to look inside the box. It was a Lapis Lazuli pendant, just like the one you had. The one that I loved. Tears sprang into my eyes but I did not let them fall. I was speechless. Luna whispered in my ear, "I know that when we were kids, you buried your mom with this around her neck. You told me once that you used to love it so much, that it reflected everything about her. Her beauty, her blue eyes, her radiance, and her gentleness. Now you can wear this and know that you _both_ have matching necklaces around your necks, and I hope you'll feel more connected with her."

I couldn't hold back any longer. I felt tears slip silently down my cheeks. They weren't sad tears at all, rather, happy ones. I finally found someone that understands me so well without me having to voice any of my inner feelings. Luna kissed my cheek. I pulled her into a big hug and I kissed her on the lips. I wish I could've stopped crying by then. She brushed her small hands over my face to wipe away the tears. I thanked her over and over again, to which she repeatedly told me it was nothing at all.

Mother, I'm so thankful for her. She adds color to my black-and-white life. Tonight I told her for the first time that I loved her. This was before she'd given me my wonderful gift. I told her, and she smiled and replied that I was the only one for her-she couldn't love anybody else. I feel like I trust her so much with everything I have. We share the same feelings. Oh, Mother. I'm sure if you could meet her, you'd think she was just perfect.

It's time, Mother. It's 11:30 pm. Twenty years ago I was just meeting you for the first time. I miss you so much. But I thank you for the guidance you've given me over the years. I feel like you led all the right people, opportunities, and happiness that I've experienced to me. Even in your absence you've made my life wonderful. Thank you, Mother. I love you forever and always.

Your son,

Gill


	7. Summer 26, Age 21

Summer 26, Age 21

Dear Mother,

It's been a really rough time lately. I've honestly screwed up. I apologize for my late correspondence, dearest Mother. But please, allow me to explain my reasoning.

Things between Luna and I have been quite...rocky, if you will. Our love was going so strong for a long while. We'd almost been dating for two years. I guess we both started to slip; I'll take part of the blame. It's not all her fault. And believe me, I'm not just saying that. Sure, over the years we've had our arguments, but they were minor compared to this past one. I was up very late one night, sleepless as usual. Luna came to the door and knocked on it. Fearing that it would wake Father, I answered it and quickly pulled her into my room and locked the door. Oh goodness…what _that_ must've looked like! I'm very grateful that Father did not find out. I'm quite certain he'd kill me if he found out I had a girl in my room that late at night. Anyway, Luna sat on my bed and told me that she had been thinking very hard. She wondered if our relationship was worth it; could she someday actually be my wife. I was shocked because I _knew_ I had told her long ago that when I dated, I intended to marry. I asked her why she would even be considering that, and I guess I must've come off too harsh. She got angry, and in heated whispers we exchanged hateful words. I told her that I wouldn't care if she left me, but I guess I accidentally slipped out that nobody else could stand to date her. I was stupid, Mother. She gasped and smacked me across the cheek. I think the sting afterwards was more emotional than physical…

She told me that I was too stiff and uptight for her; that I'd changed since we first met. I couldn't respond, because I knew it was true. And I knew why it was true. I'd become so focused upon pleasing Father and doing everything that he wished that I forgot my true self. _You can be whatever you want in life as long as you stay Gill_. I let your saying slip. I wasn't Gill. I was a machine. Father's machine. Luna gave my hands one more squeeze. "I don't mean to be like this, Gill. But you brought it upon yourself." she said as she turned to leave. I was so upset. But I wordlessly walked her back to the Tailor Shop. Before she shut the door, she whispered, "I think it's just over for now, Gill."

And that was that.

I went home and stayed awake all night, crying and crying. I never wanted to love again. Every woman I loved, I lost. I didn't sleep at all. For days I just stayed in my room with the door locked and Father trying multiple times to enter, but with no avail. I hated everything. Absolutely everything. The self-harm thoughts started coming back. The depression. The anxiety. I'd ruined myself and all my relationships in sacrifice to becoming the "perfect" mayor. I felt so…_so_ incredibly awful.

After a few weeks of that, I left the house late at night and went to the Brass Bar. And disobeyed Father for the first time. I drank. My first alcoholic beverage _ever_ was a buckwheat cocktail (because Kathy had suggested that it was her favorite). One after another, after another, after another. My problems shrunk as my alcohol intake intensified. Before long I couldn't even remember why I'd been sad. Or why I'd come to the Bar. I guess I must've looked terrible by the end, because Chase stopped what he was cooking (which was rare) and came to my side. He spoke very softly to me so that no one else would hear. He told me that he was going to take me home and tuck me safe into bed; everything would be alright. I let him gently lead me out the door and start to support me home. Halfway there, I stopped and began crying. I told him with some difficulty that if Father ever found out about this, he would honest-to-goodness kill me. Chase seemed to think everything through quickly, and he nodded. "I won't tell anyone, Gill. I promise you with all my heart." he assured me. Before I knew it, we were waiting for his knock at the Tailor Shop's door to be answered.

Candace opened it and gasped upon seeing me. Chase spoke very quickly to her, and while they spoke I saw through blurred vision Luna come up behind her. She bit her lip and looked down. Candace took my arm and carefully led me to Luna's room. She and Luna whispered for a moment, then Candace left us alone. Luna sat me down on the bed and we had a good talk. She asked why I'd done this; disobeyed Father, threw everything away for a night, suddenly became depressed. When I honestly answered that it was because of her, she hugged me close and told me over and over that she was sorry-she hadn't meant everything that she said. Yes, I did change in a bad way, but she didn't want our love to be over. I hugged her back and we ended up falling asleep on her bed like that.

The next morning, she took immediately to fixing me up. I awoke with the quilts tucked up to my chin and a warm breakfast waiting on a tray. Things seemed to be looking up between us again. We talked a lot more, and eventually worked out a resolution. We decided to stay together, and never let another fight that bad split us again. Luna told me that without my company in her life, she was also a wreck. She actually _admitted_ to becoming moody and highly temperamental with her grandmother and sister around the store. And, well, my feelings were pretty obvious.

I've never ever had anything alcoholic to drink after that. Even the slightest smell of alcohol makes me sick to process. I hated how I was feeling at the time that I was so bad, and the sight or smell of alcohol brings me back to it. Luna, Chase, and Candace never spoke a word about that night to anyone. In fact, Candace never even brought it up to me. Oh, Mother. I can't begin to say how ashamed of myself I am. I really lost it. I don't…oh, I just can't fathom how irrational and ridiculous I behaved! Not just with the alcohol but with Luna too! I don't know what I would've done without her taking me in and helping me. I would've had to go home. Face Father. Get reprimanded. Smacked. Shunned. Oh, god…I'm so lucky. What have I done? I nearly wasted everything I had. Mother, I needed help.

All I can say is thank you, because I know you had something to do with Luna's acceptance of me once more. Nobody should have to see their once-love groveling over them like that. Yet she did. And she didn't care. She loved me anyway, just like you would've done. I've come to a decision in my head that I've been thinking about for a long while. Since that terrible incident last season, Luna and I have continued on our regular dating course as we have been for the past two years. But I really believe that she could be my wife. I've firmly resolved to propose to her soon. Just yesterday I went out and reached the top of the mountain. I obtained the blue feather needed to show her my love. Today while Luna was out with Candace to go jewelry shopping, I spoke with Shelly and asked her if I could marry her youngest granddaughter. She didn't seem surprised. She nodded with tears in her eyes and told me that she wouldn't want anybody else as her grandson-in-law but me. She said that Luna talked about me all the time-that I really seemed to impact her every time we were together or apart. It made me…very happy.

Now talking to Father about this wasn't as easy. He _was_ surprised that I wanted to marry, and I was grilled with questions for nearly an hour-and-a-half. I had to argue a bit, which took him aback, but got my point through. Mother, I'll admit to you that I was so nervous speaking to him. I was so afraid that he would decide it for me-that I couldn't propose to her. But after all that time of nonstop discussion, he agreed that Luna would be a good fit for me.

So today I was making my plan of how I was going to propose to Luna. I figured out that I would take her to a nice dinner, walk her along the beach, and then kneel down and show her the blue feather. It was perfect in my mind. Until, of course, Luna acted like Luna. She came over unexpectedly while I was reading my book and saw the blue feather on the fireplace mantle! She ran over and grabbed it, asking who it was for. I told her to shut up and give it back to me; she proceeded to run around the whole house with it, laughing and taunting the whole time. I pursued her, not wanting my perfect plan to be ruined. But after she ran around so much, and calling her a child wouldn't stop her, I gave up and told her that it was supposed to be for her. I said that she was stupid to think it would be somebody else. She stared at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and replied, "Gill, you're an idiot. But I love you. And I can't wait to be your wife."

And that was what's been happening. While I'm ashamed of my mistakes, I didn't let them stop me from moving on into the future. In a few days, Luna and I will be married! I can't believe it Mother. Oddly, I feel your presence sometimes and it assures me that you accept the girl I'm about to marry. Thank you for giving me that reassurance. Julius said he'd later on help me pick out a wedding ring suitable for her. He suggested a gold ring set with a sapphire to match her eyes. But I'm thinking that my girl is special enough for a diamond. I'm so excited, Mother! Everything at the wedding will be perfect. Candace and Shelly are making her wedding dress just the way she wants it, and I've chosen Chase to be my best man. He's nervous, but I think it's just pre-wedding worries. I want you there Mother and I wish you could be alive to experience this. But I know you'll be with me, just like you have every step of my life. I love you forever and always.

Your son,

Gill


	8. Autumn 4, Age 22

Autumn 4, Age 22

Dearest Mother,

Luna and I are a very happy couple! We've been married for a year now, and I enjoy every single day of being her husband. She packs me a lunchbox every day I go to work, and when she wakes in the morning, I have breakfast awaiting her. I never imagined being married would be so much fun! And of course, I didn't know Luna could be such an attentive yet thoughtful wife. It's not like I had questions in my mind about this when I married her, it's just that…she's so much more than I ever could've hoped for in a wife. I don't remember there being an extensive period of time such as this where I've felt nothing but unprecedented happiness.

Oh, speaking of the married life, Mother, you'll never believe who's engaged to whom. Chase proposed to Maya a while ago! We spoke the other day, and he told me he didn't know how he started falling for his silly (and terrible chef) rival, but he couldn't imagine his life without her. It's funny how love works. The people you least expect will dramatically change your life have an impact that you can't ever forget. It's incredible. Kathy and Owen celebrated their third anniversary last season (since they got married almost right after we finished school), and Toby and Renee had their first child a few days ago. There are so many happy couples here now. We never really expected to all fall in love with each other, basically, when we were little kids. It's fascinating. I always imagined love to be like the way I love Father, or the way I loved (and still do, of course) you. But the love I have for Luna is more found rather than natural, if you will. Allow me to explain; when a child is born, their parents automatically love them because that child came from them, and the family will continue an endless circle of love for the rest of their lives, start to finish. But when a two people meet each other as total strangers (or even if it's someone they've known all their life), it feels different, new, meant-to-be. Like, what would life be like if I never met Luna? She's my match-it's simply meant to be. If I never met her, I wouldn't be feeling such bliss, and I wouldn't have gotten the joyous news we received today.

Luna's been feeling really under the weather lately. I've taken several mornings off of work to stay with her and make sure she felt alright, but it was beginning to get pretty consistent. I took her to the Choral Clinic today. I told Irene that she's been throwing up a lot, and mornings are starting to get tough for her. I can't even begin to tell you how afraid I was. I just couldn't watch another woman that I loved so much deteriorate completely out of my control. I held Luna's hand so tightly the whole time they tested her and waited for results. I know it seems ridiculous to have been so nervous. I probably looked like such a fool. I must've told Luna that I loved her at least two-hundred times from the moment we walked in to the moment we left. When her test results came back, Irene couldn't stop smiling. Honestly, I became irritated and asked her how she could possibly be so happy when my dear wife was so stricken, and she actually laughed.

She told us that we're going to have a baby.

Immediately, I felt everything inside of me stop. Then came the extreme happiness that washed over me in waves. Of course, my face reddened and I profusely apologized to Irene for my irrational behavior. She was kind and told me that she could understand my previous frustration and that she was just too excited to put the good news into words. Luna is elated. As soon as we got home, she sat me down at the kitchen table and we started making a two-column chart for boy names and girl names. It was more fun than I originally thought. We listed any name that came into our heads, even if some weren't as favored. We narrowed it down a bit by crossing off the names we agreed we didn't like. I asked Luna what she hoped it would be. She said that either gender of baby would please her all the same, and I agreed. Whether it's a baby boy or a baby girl, I will more than excited to welcome our newest member to the family.

Tonight Luna and I are going to tell Father that he's about to become a grandfather very soon. I'm sure he'll be very pleased. Oh how I wish you were still here so that you could be the grandmother of our child. I have some fears about Father being the only grandparent they'll have. I'm just afraid that he'll be too strict with the child like he was with me. I don't want our child growing up under the same pressure I felt from him. Of course, I'll expect the child to be respectful, polite, and intelligent. But I won't expect them to be absolutely perfect, like I was supposed to be. I guess we all learn from our parents in one way or another…

We can't wait for the baby to arrive. Neither of us have a gender preference, and I suppose we'll have to wait to see what the baby looks like in order to name it most fittingly. It's a very exciting time in our house, and it's the best feeling in the world. Please watch over us in these busy days. I hope you adore your grandchild! I love you forever and always.

Your son,

Gill


	9. Spring 16, Age 23

Spring 16, Age 23

Dearest Mother,

We had a baby girl! Oh, she's absolutely beautiful, Mother. She has the brightest eyes I've ever seen on a child! Luna and I decided upon the name Vivian; we kept her at home for several days before we actually named her. We wanted a name that would truly reflect her intense eyes, her milky skin, her wispy platinum-blonde hairs. The name Vivian reminded us of that vividness and brightness she exuded. She is so absolutely beautiful that it's amazing. I can tell she's smart too. She observes everything, takes in all of her surroundings, and is usually too busy looking at everything to cry much. Vivian's a pretty quiet baby. She has yet to sleep through the night, but she really only cries when necessary, like when she's hungry or tired or wants cuddling. Luna and I love to sit before the fireplace; she holds the baby, and I hold her. We sit in silence a lot, mostly due to the fact that we want to get Vivian to sleep. Luna always rests her head on my shoulder, and I whisper in her ear that she did a great job making and carrying our baby girl. Yes, I know how cliché that sounds, but I mean with all my heart. This baby reflects Luna's astounding beauty so clearly. I'm so proud of my girls.

I would give anything to sit by the fire with them again.

For the past four days I've been confined to a bed in the Choral Clinic, not allowed to leave or even get up. I don't know that I would even physically be able to. Last Saturday evening, while Luna and I were eating dinner and feeding Vivian, something happened inside my body. I don't remember it, but Luna described the events of the evening to me later.

I suppose I suddenly dropped my fork and lost my breath. I clutched at my heart. She said that I was gasping and coughing, and I turned completely white as I started reaching across the table for her, grasping anything I could put my hand on. I had a seizure too. My spasm threw me onto the floor, where I continued to shake and moan. Luna says that I let out one painfully devastated scream before going completely still, without breathing. Father was still at the Town Hall. Poor Luna had to do everything by herself. With a newborn screaming in terror, an unconscious husband, and a panicked mindset, she somehow managed to get to the phone and call Doctor Jin. He and Irene came to the house and carried me to the clinic. I didn't wake up from my coma until yesterday morning. Apparently while I was out, Dr. Jin ran several tests on me. When I woke up, he determined by sampling my blood and chemically testing it that I'd inherited your sickness. I can't get better. Irene told me that you started seeing symptoms of the disease around my age. Mother…I've never been more scared in my life.

I have to lay in a hospital bed and if I want to sit up, I have to have pillows propped up behind me. Dr. Jin says that I'm in an extremely fragile condition. He tells me that periodically I will have episodes like that again. This disease was partially stirred by the stressors that I've had in my life recently. My job has had me constantly working long, hard, and late on documents. I've been worrying about Vivian and Luna staying home all day. And of course Father's ever-growing forgetfulness. The doctor said my body just became inadvertently worked up, causing it to overload all at once.

When I was little, I never quite understood what was deteriorating your health so quickly, or why you'd suddenly get very tired and sick. I know how you felt so accurately now. I can't bear to have another episode like that. It was so extremely painful. But Dr. Jin said that if I drink several bodigizers a day, I'll be holistically making my body stronger. He told me I was weak. Luna already started buying several so that when I come home I can immediately start this treatment. Irene said that she wished she could've tried this remedy on you. Luna told the medical pair that she didn't care how much it would cost, she wanted me to be better. I saw an even more true side to her; usually she's so frugal with money, yet here she was saying she'd rather pay anything than see me deteriorate. It made me feel so lucky to have her.

I can't even begin to count all the minutes Father has cried over me. He's always been extremely protective of me, and now he feels like he can't stop something bad from happening. Chase visited me today. He stayed with me for a long time and listened to my fears of being stuck here alone again. He remained by my bedside, just talking and listening, until Luke came. I haven't spoken to Luke in such a long time. He sat down and said that he was so sorry I had to endure this pain twice-to see you suffer through it, and then have to live it. Luke's always been really hyper and fiery. But when he came to see me he was different. Very gentle and soft. He actually hugged me goodbye (and of course, remarked about how much weight I seem to have accidentally lost in this stressful time). Yolanda brought me a meal in a basket, just like she did after your death. Kathy came to check in on me. And Renee and Toby told me about a newborn lamb from Horn Ranch they wanted me to see to make me feel better. Luna let me hold Vivian again; she stayed by my side the longest. Apparently she and Father have told the whole island about what happened to me, and that's why people keep coming to visit. Luna knows that I don't ever want to revert back to feeling alone and hollow.

I understand, Mother. The pain. It not only hurts physically inside my body, but emotionally too. I'm so separated from my own family. My child. My wife. Please be with me, Mommy. I'm so scared. I don't want to go yet! I want to live many years with Luna, see Vivian grow into a beautiful young lady, be sure Father lives a comfortable retirement, and watch the town prosper! And yet I don't want people to see my fear. It's so constantly present now. I just don't want them to know that their future leader is compromised by the anxiety of death. Please stay with me.

I love you forever and always.

Your son,

Gill


End file.
